


Sorry For Now

by Riverspirit86



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Babies, Band Fic, F/M, Reylo - Freeform, Reylo babies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-21 09:02:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14281515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Riverspirit86/pseuds/Riverspirit86
Summary: Kylo Ren, formerly known as Ben Solo, left his fiancee Rey a year ago to become the lead singer in the rock band The First Order. They're now famous world wide, while Rey is the owner of The Cantina, a small bar in the town where Kylo grew up.Rey's town is one of the stops towards the end of The First Order's tour. How will Rey react with Kylo coming back? Will she go to the concert? Will she avoid it like the plague? Will she be able to tell him what she didn't have the chance to before he left, the reason why his leaving broke her so badly?(I suck at summaries, sorry)





	1. Given Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Weatherbug02](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weatherbug02/gifts).



_I've given up_

_I'm sick of feeling_

_Is there nothing you can say?_

_Take this all away_

_I'm suffocating_

_Tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?_  
  


Rey hummed along to the familiar tune. It broke her heart a little every time she heard it, but a year had passed since it was released, so she was able to hold back the tears under the guise of having something in her eye. She wiped down the edge of the bar closest to her, seeing a water ring left from the patron that had paid just a moment ago, listening to the song end.

  
“That was The First Order with ‘Given Up’, their first single. It’s been quite a journey for them since they first graced our station, and I can only imagine where they’ll go from here. It's been rumored they are releasing their newest single at our concert, and we will have all the details once it's made official. And with that, you’re caller number eight! What’s your name?” Rey shut off the radio, cutting off the host and the caller, who she could only assume was a major fan. She didn’t need to hear yet another fan scream about going to the The First Order concert that Friday night.

  
‘Only three more days until I no longer have to hear people freaking out about _him._ ’ She thought, sighing as she leaned against the bar counter, looking up at the ceiling.

  
“Why me?"

  
“You say something?” Finn called out from the back stockroom. He was her best friend and assistant manager at The Cantina, the bar Rey currently owned.

  
“Nah, just questioning fate,” Rey replied, hanging her rag over her shoulder. Walking to the break room, she tossed it into the dirty laundry bin.

  
“Coffee time?” Finn asked as she passed him in the stockroom.

  
“Coffee time,” she replied.

  
Rey was in the middle of pouring her cup of coffee when the bell above the door rang, signaling another customer. She sighed, grabbing her half full cup to go greet the new arrival.

  
“Hi! Welcome to The Cantina! Feel free to sit anywhere you’d like.” She called as she made her way up front. The customer was a tall figure, cloaked in black, and Rey had a sinking feeling in her gut. The figure turned around and Rey’s cup of coffee slipped from her hand, shattering on the floor. Dark eyes peering into hers for a moment, staring deep into her soul, before the figure swiftly turned around and rushed out the door. The happy tinkling of the bell was drowned out by Finn’s running footsteps as he hurried to Rey.

  
“Rey! I heard something break. Are you okay?”

  
She didn’t answer, face pale and eyes wide, like she had seen a ghost. And, in a way, she had. She slid down the wall to the floor, tears falling slowly. Burying her face in her hands, Rey sobbed. Finn immediately kneeled down beside her, careful to avoid the shards of ceramic and the small puddle of coffee.

  
“Rey, what happened?” Finn rubbed her back soothingly, concerned about what could have broken his best friend so completely and so quickly.

  
She looked up at him with tear filled eyes and a blotchy red face, uttering a single word before choking back another sob.

  
“Kylo.”

  
“I’ll kill him. That bastard! He has no right to-”

  
Rey interrupted his fury by laying a gently hand on his arm. “Finn, I’ll be okay. It just .  . . surprised me, that’s all.” She wiped away her tears and shakily stood up. “I’ll clean up this mess. Just give me a second.”

  
“Rey, I’ll do it. You just go home and rest. I’ll be fine until Poe and Rose get here.” Finn stopped her from getting the broom with a soft touch to her shoulder. She sighed, then hugged him tightly.

  
“Thank you, Finn.” Rey walked to the break room and grabbed her coat and scarf, taking a slightly wistful look at the half full coffee pot. ‘Starbucks it is, then,’ she thought as she bundled up. Waving to Finn, Rey hurried out into the cold, March air.

* * *

  
The next day was similar to the prior. The Cantina was a little busier, so Rey was running around, taking orders. Finally, it slowed down enough so she could take a quick break. She had just sat down with her yogurt when Finn’s angry voice echoed down the hall.

  
“What the hell are you doing here?!”

  
Rey sighed, getting up. There were several prior patrons that were no longer allowed on the premises, so this was probably just one of them. She had just never heard Finn so angry at one before. She walked around the corner to see Finn in front of the bar, yelling at a tall man. Her stomach dropped at the sight of long, dark hair, just barely brushing the collar of his leather jacket.

  
“I don’t care! You’re not going anywhere near her!” Finn’s hands were curled into fists and he looked fully ready to punch the taller man. Suddenly, the man tore his glare from Finn, and fixed another soul searching gaze on Rey. His eyes softened slightly, before they hardened as he turned back to Finn.

  
“I said, I want to speak to Rey.”

  
His low timbre rattled Rey to the core, the voice dragging up pushed down memories of tender and loving words that had enchanted her only a year ago. She shook her head, clearing the thoughts of happier days. Straightening her spine, Rey walked up behind Finn, fixing a blank stare at the man.

  
“I told you already. Rey doesn’t-”

  
“Get the fuck out of my bar.” Rey’s calm yet fierce voice cut over Finn’s rage.

  
“Rey . . .” The man began before Rey interrupted him.

  
“I mean it, Kylo Ren.” The name felt like acid on her tongue and she swallowed down the bile that threatened to rise. But calling him that was better than calling him by . . . Rey shook away her thought process, moving around Finn to stand in between the two men.

  
“Rey, please, I-” His eyes gazed pleadingly at her, silently begging her to listen.

  
“Get. Out. Now.” Rey ground out through gritted teeth. Kylo’s face fell, brown puppy-dog eyes glistening. Rey felt her heart break a little as she looked into his eyes, but didn’t let her stare show anything but cold resolve.

  
“Fine.” The word was soft coming out of his mouth, accepting the fact that staying any longer would be a fruitless effort.

  
Rey watched him as he turned and left, not knowing if she would ever see him in person again. Whether that was for better or for worse, she didn’t yet know.

* * *

  
It was barely above freezing when Rey went to open up The Cantina for the day. Her coffee hadn’t kicked in yet, so she didn’t notice the envelope stuck in the door until it fluttered down and landed face down on her foot as she opened the door.

  
“What the . . .” She whispered to no one. She picked up the envelope and turned it over. Cold anger and sadness filled her as she saw her name on the front, in perfect, black calligraphy. The kind she knew to have only been written by one person. Rey knew she should rip it up, not even look at the inside, and throw it away, much like he did to her. But she found herself leaning against the bar, slowly opening the envelope, careful not to tear her name. Inside was a piece of paper, folded and wrapped around what felt like a ticket. With shaking hands, Rey unfolded the paper, seeing the contrasted black ink on stark white paper. The ticket fell to the counter and Rey left it there while she read the letter.

_  
Rey,_

_I am so sorry. Please, let me make it up to you._

_I know I don’t deserve it, but I want to see you._

_I hate myself for what I did to you._

_Please, let me make it up to you._

~~_Ben Solo_ ~~

Kylo Ren

  
The only mistake in the calligraphy of the whole letter was the signature. Rey traced the scribbled out letters of Kylo’s real name, Ben Solo. Setting the letter down on the bar, Rey picked up what she assumed was a ticket to the concert that night. She flipped it over, taking in the row, section, and seat number. Front row, center stage, middle of the row. The best and most expensive seat. Noticing the VIP stamp on the side, Rey debated selling the ticket online, knowing some fan would pay big money to go. But she couldn’t do that to Kylo, even though he shattered her heart a year ago.

  
Rey sighed, slipping both the letter and the ticket into her back pocket. She would decide what to do later. Right now, she had a bar to open.

* * *

  
“What?! Are you insane!?” Finn all but yelled at Rey.

  
She shrugged. “Yeah, probably.”

  
“Just yesterday you kicked him out of your bar and now you’re going to his concert? What the hell is wrong with you?!”

  
“A lot of things,” she answered truthfully, honestly not knowing when, or why, she made up her mind to go to The First Order concert.

  
Finn placed his hands gently on Rey’s shoulders, forcing her to look at him. “Rey, you know this is a bad idea. You’re going to end up hurt and that’s the last thing we all need.”

  
Nodding, she spoke, “I know, but something is telling me to go. I have to at least try. This is probably our only chance to-”

  
“Rey, I swear to God, if you finish that sentence with ‘get back together,’ I will personally kick your ass into next week.” Finn’s face was dead serious, staring into Rey’s eyes. Taking one hand off her shoulder, he pinched the bridge of his nose. “Rey, darling. I love you, but this is the stupidest thing I have ever heard coming from you.”

  
Rey opened her mouth to speak, but Finn held up his hand.

  
“Let me finish. This is so stupid, but you are my best friend. I will love you and support you through anything. If you want to see your ex-fiance perform in front of thousands of screaming fangirls, go for it. I’ll be here for you with ice cream and a cute movie if he breaks your heart again. Or I’ll help you plan your wedding. Either or, I will stand by your side. I think it’s a stupid idea, but I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”

  
Rey felt a tear slip down her cheek at Finn’s heartfelt words.

  
“Finn. Thank you.”

  
“Any time, Rey. Now go home and call Rose over to fix you up nice and pretty. Or nice and sexy. Whichever one you want. Lord knows Kylo won’t care.” He muttered the last part under his breath.

  
Rey laughed at that, hugging Finn before grabbing her coat and leaving. When she got in her car, she turned the heat on full blast while she pulled up a familiar contact. It rang twice before a soft voice picked up.

_  
“Rey! Everything is going well. We’re all good here.”_

  
“Thanks, Leia. That’s great to hear. I hate to impose, but I’m going to be out late tonight. Can you watch them for a couple extra hours?”

_  
“Of course, Anything for you.”_

  
“Thank you. You’re the best!”

  
Rey ended the call, smiling at Leia’s contact photo. Putting an earbud in one ear, she clicked Rose’s contact while putting her car in drive.

  
“Hey, Rose! I need a favor.”

* * *

  
The concert venue was a mass of black and red, banners displaying The First Order’s logo hanging from the rafters. As Rey made her way to her front row seat, she checked the time on her phone. She had three minutes before Kylo would come on stage and she would have to face the consequences of coming tonight. Her stomach churned nervously and she hesitated at the end of the first row. Did she really want to do this? It wasn’t too late to turn around and go home. Rey took a deep breath and pushed down her nerves, walking to her seat.

  
The lights went out as Rey got to her seat and the crowd went from a rumbling chatter to a dead silence. A spotlight shown on the stage and the careful walls Rey had constructed around her broken heart cracked as Kylo Ren stepped from the darkness into the light. The crowd, mostly females, screamed at the sight of the shirtless Kylo, whereas Rey just inwardly sighed. The Ben Solo she knew would never have done something like this.

  
‘But this isn’t Ben Solo, remember?’ Rey reminded herself, looking up at the man she used to love. She closed her eyes in an attempt not to cry and ruin the perfectly winged eyeliner Rose had painted on so carefully just a few hours prior. When she opened them, Kylo Ren was staring right at her, tuning his guitar as he read her like a book. Rey felt a tear slip down her cheek as she looked up at him, another falling shortly after when his eyes softened, going from the cold, dead stare of Kylo Ren to the warm, loving gaze of Ben Solo.

  
“Oh. My. God! Kylo Ren is totally staring at you! I’m so jealous!” The fan standing next to Rey tugged on her arm, startling her out of her thoughts. Rey just gave the girl, maybe twenty years old, a cold look and she let go, going back to screaming for Kylo Ren to look at her. Rey turned her gaze back to the stage to find the rest of the band behind Kylo, all prepared to play.

  
The sound of the crowd faded away as Kylo Ren, no, Ben Solo, mouthed a single word that dumped cold water down Rey’s spine.

  
“Please.”

  
Rey could almost hear his rich voice whispering the plea in her ear as two more tears fell. Her heart shattered as he mouthed one more word.

  
“Rey.”

  
She turned and fled, pushing past fans left and right, needing to be as far away from him as possible. It took her almost five minutes before she made it outside and she collapsed on the ground, sobbing and screaming.

  
“Ma’am, are you okay?” A security guard knelt by her, hesitantly reaching out for her. Rey wiped her eyes, smearing Rose’s masterpiece across her face. Mustering all of her strength, mental, emotional, and physical, she pushed herself off the ground, standing on shaky legs.

  
“I’m . . .” Rey choked back a sob before continuing. “I’m fine. I just have to go.” She started walking away, but the guard placed her hand on Rey’s arm.

  
“Ma’am, do you want me to call someone for you? An Uber?” Her soft brown eyes reminded Rey too much of Ben’s, so she just shook her head, not trusting her voice not to break. She gently shook off the guard’s hand, giving a small, sad smile, before she turned and made her way to the parking lot.

* * *

  
Rey pulled into her driveway, seeing a light still on in the living room. ‘Please let that be Leia and let them be asleep,’ she thought as she turned off her car, getting out and shutting the door quietly, not wanting to wake anyone up. She unlocked the front door and silently shut it behind her, listening for any noise from the house. Hearing none, she sighed, ‘Thank God.’

  
Soft footsteps came from the living room and Rey turned towards the faint sound. Gentle brown eyes looked at her, pity and relief filling them.

  
“You’re home earlier than expected,” Leia said, hugging Rey then guiding her into the kitchen.

  
“I-”

  
“Hush. It’s okay. No need to explain.”

  
Rey sat down at the kitchen table, and buried her face in her hands, shoulders shaking with sobs. Leia moved around the kitchen, making two cups of tea. When she finished, she sat down next to Rey and gently touched her shoulder.

  
“Rey. Look at me.”

  
Rey lifted her head, tears leaving black streaks through the remains of her makeup. Leia touched her cheek gently, wiping away some of the ruined eyeliner.

  
“It was that bad, huh.” That wasn’t a question.

  
Nodding, Rey took a sip of the too-hot tea, hoping the burning on her tongue would replace the pain of her once again broken heart. It shouldn’t be affecting her as much as it was. It was just her ex, the one who left them.

  
“I’m such an idiot, Leia.”

  
“Rey, you are not an idiot. You just aren’t ready yet, and that’s okay. No need to rush things. Let’s just get you cleaned up and into bed.” Leia stood up and got a wet paper towel, gently blotting Rey’s face, softly cleaning off the makeup.

  
“What if this was my only chance, Leia?” Rey whispered, trying not to cry again. She hadn’t cried this much about Kylo since she found out she wouldn’t be alone right after he left.

  
“If I know my son, he will be back. And then you can do with him what you please. But no matter what, Han and I are always by your side.”

  
“Thank you, Leia.” Both women stood up and hugged, Rey smiling for the first time that night. “I’m going to head to bed. Do you want to spend the night so you’re not driving so late?”

  
“Rey, it’s a five minute drive. I’ll be just fine.” Leia touched Rey’s face, pulling her down so she could kiss her forehead. “You just get some sleep and I’ll see you at eleven.”

  
“Okay, Good night, Leia.”

  
“Good night, Rey.”

  
And with that, Leia quietly walked out the front door. Rey gave a small sigh as she watched the only mother figure she had drive away into the night. She made her way upstairs, stripping off her clothes when she got to her room. After she threw on a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, Rey left her room and tiptoed to the room across the hall. Opening the door silently, she carefully made her way in, using the faint glow of the moon night light to guide her way.

  
As her eyes grew accustomed to the darkness, she lovingly smiled at the two cribs against opposite walls. Walking over to one, she gently stroked the small baby’s dark hair, knowing when she opened her eyes in the morning, Rey would see the same hazel green eyes that she saw whenever she looked in a mirror. Rey leaned down and kissed her daughter’s head, touching her chubby cheeks softly, not wanting to wake her, but wanting to take comfort in knowing she was there.

  
She then walked over to the other crib, smile growing slightly sadder at the sight of too-big ears on her son. He had his father’s eyes and face, but her hair, and, some days, it was almost too much for her to bear. But his eyes were closed, chest rising and falling slowly in his slumber, so the similarities were slightly easier to deal with. Rey kissed her son’s forehead before yawning, the exhaustion from her wild emotions hitting her suddenly.

  
“Good night, my darlings,” she whispered, leaving the room, shutting the door quietly. Making sure the baby monitor was on in her room, Rey collapsed onto her bed, almost immediately falling asleep.

* * *

  
When Leia came over at eleven, Rey thanked her, then hurried off to The Cantina. She was so grateful that her children’s grandmother was so willing to help her out. She doubted she would have been able to raise twins on her own in addition to running her own bar.

  
“So, how was it?” Finn’s voice came over the tinkling of the bell as he walked in. Rey frowned, confused as to what he was talking about before she remembered the fiasco that was last night.

  
“It was . . .” She hesitated.

  
“Wanna watch Ten Things I Hate About You tonight? I’m sure Rose would love to come. Maybe Poe too.” Finn interrupted with a sad yet knowing smile. “You provide the pizza and I’ll bring the ice cream.”

  
Rey smiled back, slightly tearing up at the kindness of her best friend. “Yeah that would be great. You’re the best.”

  
“I’m sure Rose will love seeing the kids again. I bet they’re already walking and talking!” Finn laughed.

  
“They’re three months old, Finn. They’re not doing any of that.” Rey deadpanned, yet cracked a smile after a moment. “But yes, I’m sure they would love to see their Aunt Rose and Uncle Finn.”

  
He smiled, giving Rey a half hug around her shoulders. “Awesome. Now, let’s make this day a great one!”

* * *

  
Rey said goodbye to her friends after movie night, holding her sleeping daughter in her arms. She went upstairs and placed her in her crib carefully, as to not wake her or her brother. She settled in her bed, leaning against her headboard, and opened her laptops. Her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unsure of what she was doing. Before she could change her mind, she typed in the search bar.

_  
The First Order tour dates 2018_

  
She clicked on the first link, taking her to the official The First Order webpage. She scrolled down, finding the next tour date and place. It was over six hundred miles away and in two days. They were almost done with their tour, with only four more weeks and seven concerts. Rey didn’t know if she was happy or sad they would fall out of the spotlight for a moment. She didn’t know if she wanted to keep trying to find Ben Solo in Kylo Ren or give up and move on. Probably the second option would be healthier for her, her children, and everyone around her. But something, something deep down inside her, told her that Ben Solo wasn’t gone yet.

  
Rey shook her head, shutting her laptop slightly harder than necessary. She froze at the noise, listening for the sound of her children waking. But nothing came from the baby monitor, so Rey sighed in relief. She didn’t know if she could deal with two, or even one baby crying right now. Setting aside her laptop, Rey turned off her bedside lamp, settling down for bed. Her eyes closed slowly and she fell asleep, dreaming of dark eyes and even darker hair, strong arms holding her close, never letting go.

* * *

  
The rest of the week went smoothly, The Cantina keeping Rey busy and her mind off the topic of her ex-fiance turned music star. It wasn’t until that Friday, a week after the concert, that Rey hears the new song the radio host had been talking about the week prior.

  
“And this is The First Order’s latest single. This isn’t like their other songs in terms of lyrics and sound, but I guarantee you’ll love it. If you were at the concert Friday, you first heard it live. And, without further ado, here is “Sorry For Now” by The First Order.

  
Rey was tempted to turn the radio to a different station, but something in her gut told her to leave the song on. She took a deep breath, and turned the radio up, thankful there were no patrons in the bar.

_Watching the wings cut through the clouds_

_Watching the raindrops blinking red and white_

_Thinking of you back on the ground_

_There with a fire burning in your eyes_

I only halfway apologized

  
Rey froze, hand stilling where she was wiping the counter down. What was this? Kylo’s voice had a sad, regretful tone to it, something very foreign to Rey’s ears.

_And I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_Sometimes things refuse_

_To go the way we planned_

_Oh I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_There will be a day_

_That you will understand_

You will understand

  
A tear slipped from Rey’s eye and splashed on the counter, her hand mindlessly wiping it up with the towel. Was this what Kylo wanted her to hear at the concert? Another tear dropped onto the counter, and Rey’s heart filled with regret at leaving before the concert started.  
  


_After a while you may forget_

_But just in case the memories cross your mind_

_You couldn’t know this when I left_

_Under the fire of your angry eyes_

I never wanted to say goodbye

  
A choked sob made its way out of Rey, and she was suddenly very grateful Finn was out picking up lunch for them. Was this his apology? Did he truly not want to leave her?  
  


_So I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be round_

_Sometimes things refuse_

_To go the way we planned_

_Oh I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_There will be a day_

_That you will understand_

You will understand

  
Rey made a face when Kylo started halfway rapping. ‘I guess this is what the host meant by not like the others.’ But she did her best to ignore how awkward he sounded and instead focused on the lyrics.  
  


_Yeah, stop telling ‘em to pump the bass up_

_Tried to call home but nobody could wait up_

_Switch your time zones can’t pick the pace up_

_I just passed out by the time you wake up_

_Best things come to those who wait_

_And it’s bound to get rough on any road you take_

_But don’t you ever have a doubt and make no mistake_

I can’t wait to come back when I’m going away

  
Did this mean he wanted to come home? Did he want to come back to her? Rey leaned against the counter, supporting herself on shaking legs. She couldn’t believe, or wouldn’t let herself get her hopes up, that Kylo didn’t mean for this to happen, that this was all a giant misunderstanding.  
  


_So I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_There are things we have to do that we can’t stand_

_Oh I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_There are things we have to do that we can’t stand_

_Things we have to do that we can’t stand_

_Oh I’ll be sorry for now_

_That I couldn’t be around_

_There will be a day that you will understand_

_You will understand_

_You will understand_

You will understand

  
The song ended and Rey turned off the radio, plunging the bar into silence. Did . . . did Kylo write that for her? Did he really regret leaving?

  
“No. There’s no way. The band probably just needed a breakup and makeup song. Their manager probably required it. Why would he write about me? I’m a nobody. I’m nothing.” The last part came out whispered under her breath, truly believing herself to be worthless.

  
Hearing Finn’s car outside, Rey quickly dried her tears, turning the radio back on, lowering the volume so it was background noise. She went back to cleaning the counters as Finn came in, carrying a bag with a couple to-go boxes inside.

  
“Here is your chicken fried rice.” He handed Rey the top box. “And this one is for me. You go ahead and eat, then I’ll take my break.

  
“Thanks, Finn.” Rey smiled, trying to push her self-deprecating thoughts away as she walked to the breakroom. ‘Only four more hours until Poe comes in and I can go home and see my babies.’

* * *

  
Rey heard “Sorry For Now” again on the way home, and had to pull over to let her tears fall. She felt helpless, stuck in Kylo’s riptide, unable to free herself from the undertow. She slammed her fists on her steering wheel, avoiding the horn.

  
“What the fuck is wrong with me?” She questioned, looking out her window into the gray sky. It was going to snow that night, hopefully the last snow of the season, and Rey wanted to get home and Leia go before it started. She sighed, putting her car in drive and turning on her turn signal, merging back into traffic.

  
“Almost home.”

* * *

  
The days kept passing by and Rey’s thoughts and emotions kept sinking lower and lower. It wasn’t until Rey was feeding her son that it hit her. She had thought her heart was hardened, that she would never feel for her ex-fiance ever again. But seeing Kylo’s eyes in her son one day after hearing The First Order’s newest number one hit, she realized it. Her son looked up at her, chubby cheeks pulled into a semblance of a smile, cooing in his baby voice, while Rey cried above him.

  
“Why? Why him? Why now?” She questioned to the empty room, clutching her son closer to her chest. A tear hit his cheek and Rey quickly wiped it away, seeing herself reflected in deep brown eyes. She choked back another sob, bending down to kiss her son’s forehead.

  
“I’m sorry, darling, but you look too much like your father. I’m sorry for crying, but I miss him. And I-” She hesitated, before finally admitting her feelings to the world. “I still love him.”


	2. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW ahead ;)
> 
> I have been writing this while at my new desk job, and I did actually attempt to write the later part of this at work, but I failed because I got too embarrassed haha So I ended up finishing it last night
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

_I've become so numb, I can't feel you there,  
_  
_Become so tired, so much more aware._  
_  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do_  
  
_Is be more like me and be less like you._

  
The First Order song accurately described Rey’s feelings. Since her realization that she still loved Ben Solo, and, to an extent, Kylo Ren, she had felt numb. She had started withdrawing from everyone except her children. But even with them, all she could see were the similarities between them and their father. It pained her every time she fed them, holding the only proof of their prior love close to her chest.

When she cried while feeding her daughter, stroking her dark hair, she made the first sound that wasn’t just cooing or crying.

“Ma.”

Rey let out a half laugh, half sob. Her daughter was already empathetic at three and a half months, knowing when her mother was sad and what would make her feel better. Whether it was reaching up and touching her wet, tear streaked cheeks, or laughing for the first time when Rey made a funny face when she heard Kylo rapping in “Sorry For Now,” her daughter already knew enough tricks to make her mother smile again. Rey’s son, however, was a different story.

It didn’t matter that he had her sandy brown hair. All she saw was Kylo Ren, especially when he would scrunch up his face and frown when Rey took too long in feeding him or changing his diaper. But Rey almost cried in relief when he laughed for the first time. It was her laugh, not Kylo’s.

“Thank God,” she whispered, smiling at her son.

“Ba!” He exclaimed, waving his tiny fists in the air.

“Yes, darling! Ba!” Rey baby-talked back to her son.

A laugh came from her daughter, who was on her stomach on her blanket, lying on the ground. She pushed herself up on her forearms, staring at Rey. She let out another cooing laugh and her brother responded with his own giggle. Rey smiled, her first truly happy smile in a couple weeks. She had gotten so used to the sadness and hiding it from her friends and family, but her children smiling and laughing drew her own laughter out. She lay down in between her children on the floor, cuddling both of them.

  
“Oh, my little ones.” She pulled them both onto her chest. “You are the best things that have ever happened to me.” She kissed each of their heads, holding them close, treasuring the moment.

* * *

  
But the happy moments with her children weren’t always enough to pull her out of her sadness. She loved Ben Solo, but she could never have him. There was no way she could tell him she loved him, let alone any way or reason he would take her back. She had turned down his offering of letting the past die when she ran away from the concert. It was an impossible dream that they could be happy together, that they could be a family. But that didn’t stop Rey from dreaming about him every night. Every morning, she woke up from being held in his arms to an empty bed, her lonely future that she would just have to accept.

It wasn’t until Leia called her over to talk one night that she realized how badly she had failed at hiding her sadness from her friends and family. Rey pulled into Leia and Han’s driveway, the twins cooing in their carseats. Leia came out of the house, silently helping Rey unbuckle her children and carrying her grandson into the house. Leia didn’t speak until they were all settled down in the living room.

“Rey,” she began, “I’m starting to worry about you. I know the concert was tough on you, but you are such a strong woman. I know something else is troubling you.”

Rey’s response caught in her throat. Was it really that obvious? “Leia, Han, I-” She broke off, tears springing to her eyes. Han silently got up and gathered his granddaughter into his arms, freeing Rey to bury her face in her hands.

“I love him. I thought I was over him, that I had moved on with my life, but the concert and their newest song made me realize and accept the feelings I had pushed deep down. I’m still in love with him. But it will never happen.”

“Rey,” Leia started, before Han held up his free hand.

“Ben would be stupid not to love you back,” he stated bluntly. Han wasn’t one for fancy words or flowery sentiments, so his simple statement meant more than it seemed on the surface.

“But how would he even know? I left the concert. I don’t even know how to reach him, let alone if he would even respond.”

  
“If it’s meant to be, love will find a way and everything will work out.” Han’s gruff voice reassured her.

“Han is right. If you and Ben are meant to be, then the future will find the two of you together. Just have faith and patience.” Leia got up, careful not to jostle her now sleeping grandson, and sat down next to Rey. “But no matter what happens, you are family now. You have blessed us with two beautiful grandchildren, and we are so grateful they are in our lives.”

“Thank you, Leia, Han.” Rey gave them a small smile, eyes still wet with unshed tears.

“Anytime, Rey. Anytime.”

* * *

  
Rey waved goodbye as she pulled out of Han and Leia’s driveway. Leia watched her drive away before going inside and picking up her cell phone. She hesitated, but clicked on the contact she had barely touched the past year. The phone rang three times before it went to voicemail.

  
“It’s Leia. Please call me back.”

She hung up, looking at her son’s contact picture, a photo of him and Rey, taken shortly after they had gotten engaged. They were both smiling, looks of pure happiness on their faces, and Leia silently hoped she would see those same smiles once again.

* * *

  
It was nearly closing time at The Cantina. Rey had sent Finn home early since it hadn’t been busy and it was his anniversary with Rose. All was quiet as Rey wiped down the last few glasses, before the tinkling of the bell broke the silence.

  
“We close in ten minutes,” Rey said, back to the door.  
 

“Perfect.” The familiar voice growled.

Rey stiffened, setting the glass down. She knew that voice, and it wasn’t a pleasant one. She turned around, eyes set in a hard glare as she stared at the short, overweight man in a stained, white wife-beater.

“Plutt.” Her voice was low and deadly. “You aren’t allowed in my bar anymore. Leave now before I call the cops.”

“My dear Rey. It was just a misunderstanding. She wanted me.” Unkar Plutt’s voice was slimy as he sidled up to the bar, putrid breath washing over Rey, and she resisted the urge to vomit.

“I highly doubt she wanted your hand up her skirt, you foul beast.” Rey knew riling up Plutt was the only way to make him leave. Eventually, he would get so pissed he would storm out, threatening revenge. But he was a spineless worm, all bark and no bite, so Rey always took his threats lightly.

“Oh don’t be that way, my dear. Name calling won’t get you anywhere.” Rey could now smell the sharp tang of alcohol underneath his rotten breath.

“Plutt. Leave. Now.” Rey’s voice took a cold turn, fed up with his bullshit. She walked out from behind the bar, facing him head on. “Get out.”

Unkar moved suddenly, too fast for Rey to react, surprisingly nimble for a fat drunk. He slammed her into the wall, her breath leaving her in a sharp gasp. ‘Shit,’ she thought, struggling as he pressed his body against hers, pinning her to the wall.

“You ruined my fun with that pretty blonde, so now, you’ll have to do.”

Rey froze at his threat, his hot breath washing over her, before she began fighting for her life. She wouldn’t let this prick hurt her. She had her family to think about.

“Now now, Rey. No need to put up a fight. Just enjoy this.”

“Go to hell, Plutt.” Rey put all the hate and venom that she could muster into her words.

Unkar growled, grabbing her hair and slamming her head into the wall. Rey let out a sharp cry, head spinning from the impact. Her head was throbbing so badly that she didn’t hear the bell above the door ring as someone else entered the bar.

Suddenly, Plutt was pulled off of Rey, and she sank down to the floor, clutching her pounding head. After the room stopped spinning, she looked up at her rescuer, seeing the stranger punch Unkar in the face. Plutt fled, running out the door, and Rey’s muscles began to relax, her fight or flight mode calming down.

But when she recognized the man standing in the middle of her bar, fists clenched at his side, she didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Why was Kylo Ren saving her from a drunk? Why was he even here?

Kylo turned around and knelt in front of Rey, hesitantly reaching out to her. When she didn’t flinch away, he gently touched her face, turning her head so he could see where Plutt had hit her against the wall. Rey hissed in pain when his careful fingers touched the growing bump, and he pulled back, looking her in the eyes. Before he could say anything, Rey spoke.

“Thank you.”

Kylo nodded, and Rey continued.

“But, why are you here? What about the tour?”

His eyes shifted from the angry yet concerned stare of Kylo Ren to the loving and warm gaze of Ben Solo.

“Leia called me,” was his simple answer.

Rey’s stomach sunk. “What did she say?” She whispered, scared of Kylo’s response.

“That I needed to come home.” He stood up, offering his hand to Rey. She carefully took it, letting him pull her to her feet.

“But what about the tour?” She asked again, still wary about his sudden reappearance.

“Rey, you are more important than any tour.”

That quiet admission broke her. Tears started falling as she hit his chest. “You don’t get to say shit like that! You left! How can I be so important if you fucking left? You’re an asshole, Kylo Ren!” Rey kept beating Kylo’s chest, and he just stood there, letting her get her feelings out. “You left me for that stupid band! I was your fiancée and you abandoned me. I loved you and you threw me away like I was nothing!” She sobbed, shoulders shaking.

“Rey, you’re not nothing. Not to me.” His arms carefully came around her shoulders, holding her in a loose hug.

She beat his chest one more time, then collapsed onto him, her whole body trembling. His arms tightened, pulling her close. He gently stroked her hair, careful to avoid her injury, murmuring reassurances. After a moment, he pulled away, looking Rey in the eye.

“Rey. I am so sorry. Leaving was a mistake I swear I will never make again. I want to stay, here, with you. If you’ll have me.”

A single tear slipped down Rey’s cheek as she looked up at him, knowing he was telling the truth. She was scared, and still wasn’t sure if she was ready to take him back, even though she loved him. But she got on her tiptoes and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. Pulling back, she gave him a small smile.

“I want you to meet someone.”

The confusion that graced Kylo’s face was too much for Rey and she let out a small giggle. “Let me just close up the bar and I’ll lead you to my house.” Kylo just nodded and Rey smiled, going back behind the counter to finish putting away the remaining glasses. When she finished, Kylo followed her out the door, letting her lock up, before getting into his black Mercedes, waiting for Rey to get into her van.

Rey drove home in silence, the radio she normally had going was off. Every so often, she checked her rearview mirror, making sure Kylo was still following her, also reassuring herself that this was real. When they arrived, Leia came out of the house, giving Rey a hug. Fixing her son with a stern stare, she turned back to Rey, saying,

“They’re asleep.”

Rey looked at Kylo, wanting to see if he had finally figured it out. Clearly, he hadn’t, as confusion danced across his features again. She stifled a laugh and turned back to Leia.

“Thanks for watching them.”

Leia just smiled, before heading to her car, waving goodbye as she drove away.

“What was . . . ?” Kylo trailed off as Rey took his hand, leading him into her house and up the stairs. She held a finger to her lips, making a shushing noise before she opened the bedroom door.

The darkness was only pierced by the glow of the night light in the corner as Rey led Kylo into the room. The faint light was enough to show them two cribs. Rey turned to Kylo, a small, sad smile on her face.

“You have a son. And a daughter.”

Kylo opened his mouth, then shut it again, his face cycling through emotions quickly. Shock and amazement. Sadness and love. And finally, regret.

“Rey, I . . . I didn’t know. I am so sorry.”

She didn’t respond, but took his hand again and led him over to the first crib. She gently curled her daughter’s dark hair around her finger.

“This is Padmé, named after your grandmother.”

“Rey-”

She just shook her head and lead him over to the second crib. She heard Kylo’s sharp intake of breath as he took in the sight of his son, the spitting image of him.

“This is Ben. My Ben. Like you used to be.” The last part was whispered, but Kylo still heard her.

He reached down into the crib, but stopped, looking at Rey with tears in his eyes. Rey nodded, answering his silent request. As Kylo gently touched his son’s cheek, a tear slipped down his face. He pulled away from his son and hugged Rey, hot tears hitting her neck as he cried silently. Rey just held him close, knowing he was going through similar emotions as when she had found out she was pregnant, just the day after he left. He was happy yet sad, his world turned upside down in a single moment. He pulled away after a second, wiping away his remaining tears.

“I want to be your Ben again, if you’ll have me.”

A small, sad smile found its way onto Rey’s face as she touched her son’s hair. She chose her next words carefully, knowing they would directly affect their future.  
  
“Kylo-”

“Ben. Please, Rey. Call me Ben.”

“Ben, I want you to be with me and in our lives, but I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

She took a deep breath. “Of you leaving again,” she admitted honestly. “Ben, when you left, I was devastated. You broke my heart. Finding out I was pregnant was just as heartbreaking. How could I love the child of the man who left me? How could I look into its eyes every day and see you staring back at me?”

Rey sighed. “When I found out it was twins, my mind was made up. No matter how similar they looked to you, they were my only remaining tie to you, aside from their grandparents. They would help me heal from the pain your abandonment brought.”

Ben cooed in his sleep, stretching before his eyes opened. He blinked, eyes still full of sleep, yawning before reaching for Rey. She picked him up, holding him close to her chest. He eyed his father carefully, shyly staring at him. Rey stroked the back of her son’s head, reassuring him that the stranger wasn’t going to harm them. Suddenly, her son reached out to Ben and Rey felt tears spring to her eyes.

“He’s normally scared of strangers. Do . . . Do you want to hold him?”

Ben didn’t respond, his own eyes wet with unshed tears, but reached out for his son. Rey carefully handed Ben to his father, situating him in his arms gently, making sure Ben was supporting his head.

Ben looked at Rey, an unsure, half happy, half sad smile on his face, before looking down at his son. Ben cooed at his father, yawning and snuggling down in his arms. A tear slipped down Ben’s cheek, mirroring the one falling on Rey’s face.

“Rey,” Ben’s voice hitched. He swallowed before continuing. “How could I leave? Not only do I have you, I have two wonderful children. I swear, Rey. I will never leave again. I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I will always be by your side, if you’ll have me again.”

Another tear slipped down Rey’s face as she took in the sight of her son being held in his father’s arms, something she thought she’d never see. “What about the band?”

“Fuck the band. Rey, did you hear the new song? I never wanted to say goodbye. I never wanted to leave. We had that fight and I panicked. I thought I wasn’t good enough for you, and so my only option was to leave.” He shifted his son in his arms, freeing one arm so he could draw Rey into a half hug. Rey broke down, crying silently, as Ben held her and their son.

“You left in the middle of the night. I woke up to you gone without a note or anything. You wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. I . . . I was so worried.”

“I know. Leaving the way I did was the worst thing I could have done to you, and I will never forgive myself for hurting you that way. But please, Rey, believe me. I would give anything to stand by your side again.”

Rey looked down at their son, sleeping in his father’s arms, then back up at Ben. Was she ready to take him back? Did she believe him? Seeing Ben Solo staring at her, eyes full of love and hope, made up her mind for her.

“Okay.”

Ben’s face broke into a wide grin. “Thank you, Rey. It means the world that you’ll take me back.”

Rey just smiled, pressing a small kiss to his cheek. She motioned for Ben to give her their son, and he did, carefully placing him in her arms. She gently put Ben back in his crib, kissing his forehead before turning back to her love. She hugged him tightly, going up on tiptoes to whisper in his ear.

“Do you have a hotel room already? Or do you want to spend the night here?”

She felt him harden against her at her words. Smiling, she pulled away to take his hand. She led him out of the room, taking one last look at their sleeping children, before shutting the door. Entering her room, she pulled her t-shirt over her head, tossing it in the corner. She closed the door, plunging the room into darkness. Ben’s hands fell to her hips, pulling her to him, grinding his hardness against her.

“Rey.” His voice was a lustful growl. “I want to see you tonight. None of this hiding in the dark.”

Rey let out a small moan, his hands roaming from her hips to her waist, feeling her soft skin. She froze, however, when his hands ran to the front of her stomach, feeling what used to be toned muscle, now soft, baby fat.

“Ben . . .” She whispered, leaning her head back onto his shoulder. “I don’t look the way I used to, because of the kids.”

He just kissed her neck, grinding against her again. He reassured her, murmuring, “You brought life into this world. Who cares that your body changed. You are still my beautiful Rey of sunshine.”

His words gave Rey enough confidence to turn on her bedside lamp, pulling him onto the bed afterwards. She tugged on his shirt, and Ben almost ripped it in his haste to get it off. Lying back on the bed, Rey touched Ben’s cheek, guiding him into their first kiss in a year. Rey moaned as Ben deepened the kiss, exploring hier mouth. A tear hit her cheek and Ben pulled away from the kiss, eyes shining.

“Rey, I’ve missed you.” He kissed her forehead, nose, then lips once again.

Ben kissed down her neck to her collarbones, sucking and biting lightly. Rey arched up, reaching behind her to unclapse her bra. She tossed it away as she lay back down, Ben immediately cupping one of her full breasts. He ran his thumb over her nipple, drawing a gasp from Rey. Breastfeeding the twins had left her sensitive to any light touch.

“Ben.” She moaned quietly, drawing her nails across his back lightly.

He pulled back, admiring the faint hickey above her breast, before he reached down and unbuttoned Rey’s jeans, pulling the zipper down slowly. She helped him shimmy her jeans down her legs, leaving her bare except for her quickly dampening underwear. Blushing, she did the same to him, tugging at his jeans until they slipped over his hardened cock.

Ben kicked off his pants and turned his attention back to Rey, kissing her feverishly, devouring her like he was a man dying in the desert and she was a drop of water. He ground his clothed erection against her core, and Rey moaned loudly into the kiss. They both froze, waiting to see if her noise had woken one or both of the twins. Luckily, no sound came from the monitor. Rey gave a small smile.

“Sorry.”

Ben just gave her a cocky grin. “As much as I love the sounds you’re making, you’re going to have to be quiet, just this once, okay love?”

Rey nodded, lips pressed together, attempting to be silent. But her silence was broken when Ben slipped a finger into her underwear, gently circling her clit. She gasped, but Ben quickly covered her mouth with his, swallowing her pleasured noises in a frenzied kiss. He broke the kiss to pull Rey’s underwear down, kissing down her body to her core.

Ben’s head disappeared between Rey’s legs and she brought her fist up to her mouth, biting her knuckle to prevent her moans and groans from coming out as Ben licked a long stripe through her folds. Two of his fingers easily slid into her body as he flicked her clit with the tip of his tongue. Rey’s free hand found its home in Ben’s dark hair, pulling on it slightly when he crooked his fingers just right inside of her.

“Oh God, Ben,” she whispered, body shaking with pleasure. He just hummed in response, the vibrations sounding through her, bringing her even closer to the edge. Slipping a third finger inside of her, Ben sucked on her clit while curling his fingers, stroking her sensitive spot. Rey lost it, hips bucking up and back arching as her orgasm washed over her.

Ben pulled away from her core, yanking off his own underwear and releasing his aching cock. Rey reached for it, wrapping one small hand around his erection while the other went back to his hair, tugging him up into a passionate kiss. She could taste herself on his tongue as she guided him into her, the kiss breaking and her mouth falling open in a silent cry as she was filled.

“Rey.” Ben’s voice was a low and lustful whisper in her ear as he pushed into her. “God, Rey. You feel so good.” He gave a small thrust, filling her completely, sitting entirely inside her.

They stared at each other for a moment, letting Rey relax around Ben’s cock, their eyes full of love and adoration for each other. Ben reached a hand up to caress Rey’s cheek, wiping away a single tear that had snuck out of her eye. He bent down and kissed her, pulling out slightly then thrusting back inside.

Rey gasped into the kiss, her pleasure already beginning to rise again. She knew neither of them would last long, and she was fine with that, because they had the rest of their lives with each other. The thought brought a small smile to her face. They had the rest of their lives. Ben wasn’t going anywhere. He was here, with her, for good. She clenched around him, feeling the beginnings of her orgasm.

“Ben, I-”

“I know, Rey. I can’t last much longer either.” Ben’s voice was breathless above her. “Let go, Rey. Come for me.”

Rey shuddered around him, pleasure reaching its peak for the second time that night as Ben came inside her, filling her to the brim. He collapsed down onto her gently, nuzzling her neck as he came down from his own high. Rey felt some of his cum drip out of her onto the bed and she grimaced, knowing they would have to sleep on it. She lightly pressed on his shoulder, moving him off of her. He pulled out of her and Rey felt empty for a moment before she looked at Ben Solo lying on her bed, gazing at her with nothing but pure adoration in his eyes. She got up and grabbed both pairs of underwear, tossing Ben his after she put her own on.

After Ben had clothed himself again, Rey curled up at his side. He shifted so he was holding her, surrounding her with his warmth, protecting her from anything that could harm her. Rey sighed, relaxing into his embrace, happy knowing her world was whole again.

“I love you, Rey.” Ben murmured into her hair, pulling her tighter against him for a moment, making sure she knew his words were the truth. A single tear slipped down Rey’s cheek at his sleepy voice spilling the reassurance that she needed to hear.

Her own voice was hushed and half asleep when she responded with the words she had only just realized were still ingrained into her heart.

“I love you too, Ben.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Please leave a comment here or shoot me an ask on my [Tumblr](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/) if you want! 
> 
> I also started a [Ko-Fi](http://ko-fi.com/riverspirit) and a [Patreon](https://www.patreon.com/riverspirit86) if you want to support me with my writing!
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> My hopes is to have this finished within a week or so. I'm writing it in a notebook while at work, then typing it up when I get home, so I should finish it soon.
> 
> This is a gift to Weatherbug02, who destroyed my heart with Disconnect, so I'm breaking her heart with my fic.
> 
> Tell me what you think! Leave a comment or message me on my [Tumblr](http://riverspirit86.tumblr.com/)!


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